Standing at the Threshold

When you reach the age of 60 it becomes harder and harder to kid yourself into thinking you are still young.  By any reasonable calculation, you have more than likely burned through over two thirds of your life and no amount of telling your self that 60 is the new 40 is going to change that.

The signs of aging are just too great to ignore anymore.  The physical signs become more apparent.  Hair grows in spots that best be left hairless.  The hair on your head becomes thinner.  A bladder that has become a night owl interrupts sleep and “sleeping in” means you made it to 7:00am.  Your balance becomes a little wobblier and you discover aches and pains you have never had before.  Your skin sags and your face and hands wrinkle.  Eleven o’clock becomes a late night and you need three days to recover from a moderate night of drinking.

Along with these physical changes come a whole variety of other signs that become increasingly hard to ignore or discount.  When you go to the next family reunion you notice that you are now a member of the oldest generation present.  Everyone you know has a preexisting condition and you find yourself talking more about various ailments.  You get in the mail, unsolicited, an offer for 50% off your first spider vein treatment from the Vein Clinic PA.  When you go to the class reunion the “In Memoriam” page lists more and more names.  When they list the birthdays of celebrities and notable people you find yourself wondering, “who the hell are these people.”  You also find that when you are talking to younger people and make, what you believe to be a common knowledge type cultural or historical reference, you get a blank unknowing stare and have to explain what you are talking about.  And finally, when you are watching a TV commercial where an attractive young woman takes notice of a young man in a certain brand of jeans, resulting in their sharing a glass of wine later in the day, you can’t help but think that if she noticed you, she would be thinking, “I wonder how that guy with the beer gut and the slack ass keeps those jeans from falling down around his ankles.”

So this aging thing is no small matter.  In the mid 70’s, I was lucky to work for a non-profit that provided transportation services to Madison, Wisconsin’s elderly.  Working with the elderly is a valuable experience for anyone, but especially so for the young.  If you keep your eyes and ears open you will learn quite a bit about life.  Not all of it will be pleasant and rosy, but that should come as no surprise if you have been living on this planet for any period of time.  All of it can be helpful, during your lifetime and especially as you get ready to experience the last decades of your time here.

My first assignment for Independent Living was to pick up various old folks, who were still living with a spouse or family member and take them to an adult day care center and then return them home at the end of the day.  These were the people who were incapacitated, mentally or physically, or both.  The idea for the adult center was relatively new at the time and its purpose was as much to give the families a break from the full time care these individuals required as it was to provide an opportunity for the old folks to break the monotony of their routines.

Say what you want about picking up and delivering these people, it was never boring.  On my only day of training, I was shown the ropes by my predecessor.  When we went to pick up one client, I was told I needed to always be alert so as not to get punched in the face.   I’ve had a lot of jobs through the years but that was the first and only one where I received that warning.

I remember one guy named Jimmy who always had a smile on his face and was extremely cooperative.  He was about 5 feet 5, and had a big round jug-eared, bald head.  He always seemed to be in a good mood and reminded me of a happy elf.

One night, I was driving Jimmy home when he began to shriek at the top of his lungs that I needed to watch out for the herd of pigs that were crossing the Beltway in Madison.  When my heart stopped pounding and I felt assured the pigs were in Jimmy’s head, I tried to calm him down and he went back to his smiling self.

When I got Jimmy home, I walked him up to the front door of his daughter’s home, climbed the steps of the porch and rang the bell.  As we waited for someone to come to the door, I looked through the glass window in the door and saw Jimmy’s daughter walking down a hallway, coming to answer the door.  In the time it took for me to look in and watch the daughter approach, Jimmy unzipped and began to water the front of the house just to the right of the door jam.  His daughter opened the door and we both looked at Jimmy happily whizzing away.  I recoiled but the daughter, with a smile on her face said, “Oh, dad”, and gently assisted him into the house. The look she gave me said, “don’t worry, I’ve seen much worse.”

I always wondered what went on in Jimmy’s head.  From all outward appearances he seemed happy.  I wondered if he had created a wonderful world in his head where everything was worry free and good.  Maybe everything he experienced was new to him and immediately erased the moment after it happened.   Little was known about dementia at that time and I don’t think anyone other than researchers knew what Alzheimer’s was.  We were entering into a generation that was living longer and these diseases were becoming more common.

While Jimmy appeared to be happy, another of my clients was definitely living on the other side of the spectrum.  Doc was a rail thin, six foot two, retired dentist in his early eighties.  He lived with his son’s family in an affluent section of Madison.  It was my first day picking up Doc, when I was told to stay alert to avoid being punched.  His daughter in law led him out to the car when we arrived.  He was completely rigid and took tiny shuffling steps like one might take when walking around the rim of a volcano.  You had to be careful not to let Doc get a hold of your hand because he would squeeze it to the point of breaking bones.  My first day I tried to coax him into the back seat of the car by gently asking him to bend his knees and duck his head.  My trainer watched for about a minute, and then showed me his technique for getting Doc in the car, which consisted of applying force to certain joints, and pushing at the same time.  It seemed a little cruel at the time but I came to learn there was no other way to do it.

The most striking thing about Doc was his eyes.  They were the most intense mirrors of fear and rage I have ever seen.  His disease had definitely taken him to a different place than Jimmy’s.  It made me think about what life was like for him and despite the many rotten things he did (including punching the day care lady in the nose) you couldn’t help but wonder what horrors were running through his head every day.  The wear and tear was evident on the faces of his family and he was the single saddest case I encountered while working for Independent Living.

As a young man I learned that life could be cruel and isn’t necessarily fair.  The folks who spent their days at the day care had been dealt a bad hand and each of them tried to cope with it as best they could.  I also learned that nothing is guaranteed in this life and but for the grace of god, or if you prefer, dumb luck, there go I.

After a few months my job changed and I was put in charge of coordinating a network of volunteers to provide transportation for medical and other business related trips for Madison’s elderly.  Every day I would call volunteers and try to arrange rides to fill in the schedule.  I was also given the use of a car so when I couldn’t find enough volunteers I would drive clients to their appointments.

The people I was dealing with were in much better shape than my previous clients.  They were living on their own and needed transportation to make sure they could continue to live in their homes and apartments.

I remember a woman, named Mary, who was a role model for how to age gracefully.  She was around 85 when I met her.  She was never ready when I pulled up to her house.  I would knock on the door and eventually go around back and find her, in a pair of bib overalls, weeding her garden or caning a chair.  She was a tall woman with very good posture.  She would see me and remember why I was there and would spring up the steps of her back porch and in five minutes would come out her front door all put together and ready to go to whatever appointment she had.

When you talked to Mary, it became apparent you were talking to a highly educated and intelligent woman.  It always struck me that my best move with Mary was to shut up and listen.  Once when I was giving her a ride she asked me what I planned to do with my life.  I told her I didn’t know, but I was saving money to go to South America.  She looked at me and then began to tell me about the time she had accompanied her father, who was a mining engineer, to South America for a year.  It was sometime between 1905 and 1910 and her memory was sharp and her stories vivid and fascinating.   I could tell that she enjoyed the opportunity to remember and tell her stories to someone who was interested and might benefit from hearing them. She highly endorsed my plan to travel south and said that her year in Colombia and Peru had been one of the most interesting of her life.

Mary was one of the first people I met through Independent Living that gave me the idea there might be some connection between an active, lively mind and an active, healthy body.  At 85, she was so very much alive.  She was curious and one got the sense that she never had quit learning throughout her long and interesting life.

And that brings us to Antoine Pliska.  I met Antoine when he was in his nineties living in a five-story walk up room near downtown Madison.  He was about 5 foot 8 and possessed a slight but sturdy body.  He sported a long gray ponytail and a gleam in his eye.

Antoine was an associate of Madison icon and political gadfly Eddie Ben Elson, who once kicked off his campaign for a Dane County judgeship by dancing nude at the appropriately named Dangle Lounge in downtown Madison.  One of Eddie Ben’s greatest hits was his 1973 scheme to sell tickets, at $10 a pop, to individuals who wanted to ride the Comet Kohoutek, which Eddie contended was really a spaceship he would captain.  The tail of the comet/spaceship was going to brush the earth leaving it covered in oil and sludge.  Those who wanted to survive could buy a ticket and an invention of the eminent Dr. Antoine Pliska would miniaturize the ticket holders so they could ride the comet to safety.  Eddie was once asked by a reporter to be shown the miniaturized people he had stashed in his basement.  Eddie told the reporter he would call him back later that day and he did call him back and told the reporter that his greedy wife sold the little people to a Belleville Cadillac dealer to be used as hood ornaments.  So Antoine wasn’t your ordinary, run of the mill, old coot.

One night Pat and I were watching TV on our 9-inch black and white set.  There was nothing of interest on so we, out of desperation, tried the public access channel, which was showing a City Council meeting relating to a proposed ordinance put forward by the Madison Tenant’s Union and opposed by the Madison Landlords Association.

While we watched, one after another proponent of the ordinance came to the podium and testified to the various crimes and misdemeanors committed by the slumlords of Madison.  Every now and then, a landlord would point out that renting to five 19-year-old boys was equivalent to renting to a herd of wildebeests.  The testimony went on like this for a while, until the mayor announced there was time for one more citizen to speak.   As the last speaker approached the podium, I sat up, and said to Pat, “That’s Antoine!”

Antoine took the podium and began by holding up his hand, with the back of his hand facing the audience, and his index and middle fingers raised in a V and said, “During World War ll this signal meant victory.”  He then held up the same two fingers, with the palm facing out, and said, “During the sixties this symbol meant peace.”  He then looked directly into the camera and with a wicked smile on his face said, “And now I have a symbol for the landlords of Madison.”  Waiting a beat for dramatic effect, he raised his middle finger and gave the landlords the bird.  The audience exploded with laughter and the Mayor gaveled the meeting to a close.  It was theatre of the highest order.

There was no question that Antoine was bright, alert, involved and immensely enjoying his “Golden Years.”

So what did I learn about aging from these experiences?  First, there are no guarantees.  There are things that can happen that no amount of preventative action can avoid.  When you think about it, that rule applies to your entire life.  The proverbial bus can hit us all at any time in our lives.  I do think we can take a lesson from aging athletes, who have to prepare harder in the off-season, to continue to perform at high levels.  But, no matter how much you exercise, watch your diet and drink quality beer, bad things can and do happen.  Who knows what caused Jimmy and Doc to lose their grip on reality?  Life isn’t fair and we really shouldn’t carry around that expectation.

I like to think of my life in thirds.  The first third was childhood through the end of my formal education.  The second phase was building a career, raising a family, eventually culminating with retirement.  The last third is the one I am standing on the threshold of right now.  Each of these phases has their anxiety and terrors, whether it is fear of dodging a bully looking to rearrange your face, getting laid off from your job in the middle of a recession, or becoming physically or mentally dependent on others.  So, it looks like the “Golden Years” won’t wipe away those types of concerns. 

The big difference between the thirds is how they end.  Two end with graduation and retirement and the last with the big dirt nap.   That is something everyone has to come to grips with on their own terms.

I’m hoping my last third is closer to Mary and Antoine’s experience.  They were blessed with relatively good health and I plan to take care of myself and hope to be lucky.  I think one of the keys is to stay interested.  Never stop learning.  Never let our youth obsessed society convince you that you are irrelevant.  Enjoy and exercise the freedom this phase affords you. Find what turns you on and keep doing those things that you find valuable or interesting.  Continue to think about the big picture and remember those 60, 70, 80 years of life you have experienced are valuable and the lessons learned are best shared with those smart enough to understand you have something to teach them.  

While I was in the process of writing this post, I’ve decided that it would be great if I make it to my 90’s, and have the opportunity to give the finger to some individual or entity that richly deserves it. Then I will know that I was still kicking to the end.

PS.  One night, Pat and I were sitting in the bar at the Black Forest in south Minneapolis, when I told her a little bit about what this post was going to cover.  Hearing I was going to talk about my days with Independent Living, she suggested and I whole-heartedly agreed  (I‘m not stupid), to include the story of her heroism (my term, not hers) while she worked for the same agency.  Below is the article that appeared in a Madison newspaper proving her fifteen minutes of fame.  I must admit I never did anything remotely heroic during my time working with the elderly.

Part 1 - Click on image to enlarge

Part 2 - Click on image to enlarge

PPS.  I believe that we need to remember that our heroes are very much human.  I think it holds out the possibility that anyone of us may some day, if the circumstances are right, become a hero.  In keeping with this philosophy, I need to point out that Pat slammed Antoine Pliska’s arm in a car door.  No permanent damage resulted, although I imagine Antoine had better afternoons. Pat has felt bad about this for 35 years and counting.  I never slammed anyone’s body parts in car doors during my employment with Independent Living, which in and of itself, is sort of heroic, isn’t it?